August 18, 2013.


Four years ago today it was our ninth anniversary. On that day we stood in front of friends and family and pledged to take care of eachother. The storms of our past that we’ve weathered pales in comparison to what we’ve been through in the past 10 months; our selves from August 18, 2013 could have never imagined it all. Watching this video is more painful than it should be. Seeing the promise of our futures in our faces as we celebrated the best day of our lives makes the break in my heart a little deeper. Seeing the joy in our families faces only reminds me of the pain we’ve witnessed in their faces over the past several months. We all look so much younger – so much brighter. So naive to just how deep and wide the valleys of grief and sorrow can be.

It is not okay that I feel mournful when I watch a video of the happiest day of our lives. Just as I keep fighting to find some peace in where we are today, I promise to watch this video over and over again until the sadness is replaced with the comfort that you continue to be the most reliable thing in my life. You are still committed to me, my strengths and my (growing list) of flaws.

I want to stop time for a second.
I want to breathe.
I want to take it all in.
I want to move forward holding my best friends‘ hands, because now we have a new best friend.

Our boy, our son. On our wedding day, we thought we wouldn’t know a deeper love than we had for eachother, but today – four years later – we have realized that there is a more profound love. The love shared in our little family.

I love you, Ryan, with my heart, my soul, and my everything. Thank you, again, for waiting. Happy anniversary.

#dadabeard #mamamama